Monday, January 11, 2010

Shopping. The bad kind.

January 6, 2010

I enjoy shopping just as much as the next girl. I really do.

But this kind of shopping is new to me. And right now, it's not a very appealing idea.

Back story:
My first appointment with my OB was today. This is something I always look forward to. Always. It feels like the pregnancy is official when prenatal care finally gets underway. Not to mention that they always load you up with all sorts of magazines, books and samples. Who doesn't love that? I have always had an amazing doctor. After the many years I've spent visiting him, he had become a very dear friend. Not to mention that I grew up with his kids, so I'd known him forever anyway. I knew much of his staff from the same neighborhood in which I grew up, so it was like one big fun family. Heck, he was always just as excited that I was pregnant as I was! And sometimes more excited that I was pregnant than my family was. He spent hours of my labors with me. Totally spoiled me with whatever I ever asked for. He even made sure I had his home number and pager number so I could call him in to deliver my babies should I go into labor on the weekend or his day off. Needless to say, this was not a normal dr/patient relationship.

My doctor passed away unexpectedly when I was 32 weeks pregnant with my youngest child.

He wasn't old (59), he was in good health. He had a heart defect (Long QT) that required a pace maker, and somehow somewhere along the line something went wrong.

This was devastating for me. And for my husband who also very much enjoyed having him as our health care provider. At that point in time, less that two months from delivery, grieving the loss of not only a good friend, but an amazing dr, as well as dealing with the loss of my grandmother (who passed away just two days previous to my dr), I was not in the frame of mind to find someone new to supervise the rest of my pregnancy.
At that point I went with the other OB who shared the same offices as my dr; They were friends, they attended med school together, and had practiced in the same office since then. I knew that this other man was a well respected dr, and someone that my dr trusted, so of course I asked him to assume my care. This worked out ok for that pregnancy, and for the delivery, so I assumed that I would just continue using him as my care provider for this pregnancy as well.

And then came the first appointment.

And it was awkward. And it just felt weird. And it was not at all what I wanted it to be.

I'm not stupid, I knew it wouldn't be anything like what my previous dr was like, I certainly wasn't expecting that by any means. But I was hoping for better than it was.

Don't get me wrong, the man is still an exceptional doctor. I would still recommend his services if anyone asked.

But it just didn'

As we walked out of that appointment my husband turned and said "Well, that was different."

Yes, it was.

I proceeded to my first pregnancy-induced mini breakdown.
Was I an idiot for wanting to start from square one on baby #8? Is it nuts to start dr shopping at this point in my life? Do I really want to switch hospitals when I really like the one I've delivered at in the past? How does one even tell a dr that you are considering leaving? It's like staring down the barrel of a bad breakup or something.
And then came the tears for MY dr. It was like grieving his loss all over again.

Thankfully I composed myself by the time we got over to the lab for my 672 vials of blood to be drawn for the freakish number of tests they run on a prenatal workup.

But on the hour+ long drive home from the dr's office, we had much time to think, and much time to talk.

And by the time we got home we were wondering why in the world we would keep driving an hour+ for a dr we don't love? It was absolutely worth if for our previous dr, but why make such a trek otherwise?

And there was the answer.

Thus tomorrow, I begin shopping. Awkward, odd, and a bit daunting. Hospital shopping, dr shopping, and maybe I'll check out a midwife or two.

But hey, life is boring when everything runs smoothly, isn't it?

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