Sunday, May 23, 2010

One day I'll get control of these emotions again

Anyone who has been pregnant or spent more than 30 seconds around a pregnant woman knows that pregnant emotions are unpredictable. And unfortunately sometimes uncontrolable. Just when you think you're fine, the water works start again.

A pregnant woman can go from laughing to crying in roughly 1.36 seconds.
And vice versa.

Sometimes without provocation.

It's interesting.

I was talking with a friend of mine on Sunday in between church meetings. His wife is due just two weeks after me. They are expecting twins. Back in the beginning of our pregnancies we joked about who would go first, since the average pregnancy with twins tends to be about 36 weeks and most of my babies have come around 38 weeks. We wondered who would "win" and give birth first.
I told her I was happy to let her have that one.

And so it was that I was discussing with this friend my pregnancy and his wife's pregnancy as we sat in the foyer at church. He mentioned that their dr keeps talking about delivery around 35-36 weeks.
I tried to keep things light and mentioned that I hoped she was pregnant long enough to avoid having babies in the NICU, and how much I'd love for her to "win" that whole 'who delivers first' thing that we'd talked about. Especially if she makes it to 36 weeks.
He asked why?
I told him because if she made it to 36 weeks and I was still pregnant, that would mean I had made it to 38 weeks still pregnant.
He asked if that wasn't happening now. Hadn't things looked good at our last ultrasound?

Well, the last one he heard about yeah.
Not our last one.

And then I lost it.
I felt so stupid sitting there totally unable to control the water works. Trying to gain my composure enough to explain that at our last appointment we had begun laying preliminary plans for delivery. We had theorized on when that might have to happen. And how much it sucked to even be having to think about that at 26 weeks.
I was able to choke out "we had to start talking delivery plans. Our next few appointments will be to help establish a growth curve of his head size and whether or not we need to get him out sooner rather than later." Followed up with "It's just so early to have to think about that...."

Great. Bonus points to the preggo emotional chick for not only being awkward, but making said friend feel super awkward. Along with the other friend who happened to be standing there for this conversation. Good going.

As I apologized profusely for my lack of emotional control and sucked it up enough to explain the latest, I felt so awful. Awful for making him feel bad, awful for not having better control, awful for having to say it out loud again, making it all the more real.

As I was explaining everything going on to someone else a couple of weeks ago she asked "So, have you just explained it so many times now that it's easy to say? It doesn't make you emotional anymore?" Well, at that point, pretty much. I'd get teary occasionally depending on who I was talking to and how I was doing that day, but usually I was fine.
I am such a control freak that I dislike that this latest development has thrown me for a loop and altered my ability to do that still.

So if you happen to be talking to me and I just randomly lose it, go ahead and chalk it up to the pregnancy. Or lack of M&Ms consumed within 24 hours. They help with emotional stability. Did you know that? Not with the thigh spread, but hey, you can't win them all. And yes, I gladly take donations.

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