I guess that's good news, as it means there is not much new to report. Good news in that nothing has gone horribly wrong, I'm still happily pregnant, and baby is still very much alive and kicking.
Life is keeping me plenty busy lately, which is a good thing. The second we were hit with this diagnosis people were so generous in offering to take every care possible off my plate. Helping with kids, taking care of church things for me, bringing in meals....you name it, it was offered. While I was unbelievably grateful for all of the willingness to help, I needed to retain some sense of normalcy so as not to let the weight of everything suck the life right out of me. Without my every day distractions, all I would do is dwell on the what-if's.
Don't get me wrong-I've still spent countless hours pouring over statistics, studies, medical journals, personal stories, and anything relating to hydrocephalus that I can possibly get my hands on. Especially on the late nights when my husband is in school, the kids are in bed, and the house is all quiet. Then I pack my brain with as much information as possible.
Much time has been eaten up with the end of school activities lately. I swear the entire month of May is manufactured in order to torture those parents who weren't the least bit involved in their child's school year. See how many programs and forms and trips and activities you can possibly throw at them in a few weeks time-that will show them! With four kids in school this year I miss homeschooling more than ever. But thankfully there are only 18 school days left. I can survive 18 more days. I think.
Samuel seems to be doing remarkably well-living it up in the womb. Partying on a frequent basis. Between runs, yoga and Zumba, dancing in the kitchen with the other kids and the normal hoopla of life, this is one busy fetus! He is also very obliging in honoring us with numerous daily displays of activity; I absolutely adore watching him jump and roll around inside me every day. I love that I can feel his little arms and legs poking me in the strangest places, one of his current favorites being just inside my hip bone. I love that I can feel it distinctly when he has the hiccups. I love that right now he is so very alive. It almost makes me forget everything else that is going on.
almost.
I picked up a book today that in the first chapter details how a mother felt when she was told that one of the twins she was pregnant with had a condition that within days of birth would leave her "incompatible with life". My heart nearly lurched out of my chest when she described how she felt that day and in the days immediately following. Because I knew exactly how it feels to have the floor fall out from under you. Most days I deal with things just fine, the tears are much more infrequent than they were a month ago. They are a rarity now. But it is moments like reading those pages that remind me that it is still a very fresh fear in my mind.
I don't know if my story will end the way hers did. She lost her little one. Will I? or will I be one of the lucky ones?
I don't know.
And right now I don't want to know.
I just want to go on enjoying each day with this little guy living so boldly inside of me. While the future must be planned for and anticipated, I prefer to spend as little time as possible dwelling on that, and as much time as I can living in this moment. This little kick, this roll, this blissfully perfect minute of my life.
A peace of assurance of being carried through all of this still gets me through each day-especially the hard ones. It can only come from one place. It is the answer to the countless prayers that we have asked, and that others have prayed in our behalf. It will be ok. I don't know what "ok" entails right now, but it will be ok.
So I leave you with the 23 week belly-still gratefully growing daily!
(up to almost 9 squares of TP! You know, just in case you were wondering...)
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