Saturday, June 26, 2010

Some Days

I feel like I have this need to prepare for all side of all possibilities. Unfortunately that has meant looking into things like newborn hospice and funerals and other heartwrenching things that one never wants to think about when thinking of their soon to be born baby. Do I need to be preparing with a crib or a casket? Should I buy little diapers or will they just be a reminder on the top shelf of the closet that the baby who should be wearing them isn't here? Some days I process it all logically, some days it's all emotional. Every day it's daunting.

But honestly, with all the doom and gloom that we have encountered from some drs, we know it's a possibility, and hopefully at least looking into these things ahead of time will help if we are faced with some of those things.
While we are optimistic right now, and so is our main dr, we still can't know.

One of the message boards I read is for women who have carried a pregnancy to term despite a poor or fatal diagnosis for their baby. That lucky group of women who have had their drs offer them a termination. Heck of a club to belong to. It's very hard to read some days, very encouraging on other days. And honestly, I find it oddly comforting to read through the experiences of these women as they deal with the end of pregnancy, giving birth to their child, and dealing with the weeks and months following. It's nice to know that there are others who sit in the middle of the unknown. It is nice to know that there are some who have babies that prove the drs wrong- the miracle babies. It is also nice to know that a whole range of emotions is normal through this whole process.
I haven't ever posted there because I am hopeful that I won't need to be on a "grief and loss" board. That things will be fine, that my baby will live for a long time. I don't want to be the one reminding them that they didn't get to be one of the lucky one's whose baby lived despite what drs told them. So I lurk, and glean, and hope for a miracle.

Today I linked from this board to someone's blog. She lost her baby 6 months ago to Trisomy 18. I can't number the blogs I have read over the past 13 weeks detailing experiences of those who have had babies with hydrocephalus, those with a host of other issues in addition to hydro, some who continually prove drs wrong, some who struggle through life on a daily basis. And blogs of those who have other fatal or poor prognosis given for their baby. Those who have been through the stress and strife of wondering if their child will be ok, only to have to let go of their baby and send them back home entirely too soon.

I don't know if I thought it would get easier to read through others' experiences. It doesn't. Each time I read through the emotions from these mothers who are going through their own grief, it brings me to tears. Today I sat and cried as I read through this woman's recent experience, of her conversations with her 4yr old daughter about the child their family just lost.
Sometimes I feel far removed from it, the way I did when I read of someone who knew their child would die within hours of birth two years ago when I was pregnant with a perfectly healthy child.
I remember wondering at that time if I would be up to a task so great as to carrying a pregnancy knowing I would have to let go. If I would be strong enough to be willing to walk in that woman's shoes.

I still wonder.

I wonder if I am up to the task before me. I wonder if that task for me is having the strength to let go, or the strength to carry on. I wonder how much time we will have with our son; if it will be minutes, days, or years. I wonder how it will affect our other children. I wonder which drs he will prove wrong....will it be the drs who presented the worst case scenarios in the beginning, or those who have been more hopeful and encouraging.

So many I long for answers.

Some day they will come.

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