Wednesday, March 31, 2010

19 weeks

Though each day is a struggle right now, I am determined to enjoy every single second of the rest of this pregnancy, whether that be a matter of days, weeks or months. I am determined to ignore as much as possible that I still feel sick, though thankfully much of that has lifted over the past few days. Or maybe the emotions have been so strong that it has overrun the physical sensations of being sick. I don't know.

I am determined to notice every little kick, jab and bump that I get from this baby. To slow down and relish in each moment that he lives.

I am determined to move forward and be grateful for the miracle of having this child inside of me. To celebrate each milestone we reach together. Instead of checking each week off the calendar in anticipation of the arrival of "the day", I will slow down and appreciate every hour I have with this little boy, because they are already going too quickly.

I will celebrate my growing belly instead of being irritated that I am growing so much and showing so many weeks sooner than I usually do.

The weeks ahead will be filled with more ultrasounds. Instead of focusing on the numbers and the prognosis-though that will of course be a big part of them, I will focus on seeing my little angel alive inside me. His perfect little feet, his perfect little hands. The completely perfect little person that he is.....everywhere but one small place. As of now the pressure inside his little head has not affected the shape of his head or face....he has a beautiful little profile with the same little nose that some of our other children have had.

I have always loved my babies before they were born.

I don't know if I've ever loved one so fiercely though. My feelings for this child are overwhelming. I feel so protective of him, despite the fact that there is nothing I can do to protect him. I wish there were.

It takes a conscious effort to focus on the little things when I am already grieving this child, a normal pregnancy, my past innocence regarding many of the feelings I have had over the past few days.

It is daunting to look forward knowing that there are many difficult decisions to make in the days ahead.

We have been so blessed with an outpouring of love and support, kind words, phone calls, meals, offers to help, even gifts. So many wonderful people in our lives.....we are so very very blessed. We have been carried on the many prayers offered in our behalf since word began to spread.
It is humbling to be on the receiving end of such an outpouring. Humbling and hard, as it makes this all the more real. It has been hard to share this say the words, to type the details....each time I answer questions, each time I explain out loud what we are facing, I am reminded that this is indeed what is happening. The more you say it, the less pretending there is that it all might just go away. While you know of course from the first moment news like this is placed in front of you that it is indeed happening, there is no getting around it, there is no pretending that you just might wake up tomorrow and find that it was all a bad dream, there is that little shred of denial. It's too harsh to be real. This isn't how my life goes.....this wasn't my plan.....
It is those moments that the prayers carry you through. That they carry me through. That the peace and love from our Heavenly Father envelop you and tell you that though this wasn't necessarily your plan, it is His plan, and He will carry you though it. He will carry me through this.
It is those moments when this little angel inside me moves around to remind me that for now, I will get to hold him. It may not be in my arms, but I will hold him every second of every day until it is time for him to go.

It may not be what I had in mind, but it is what is I have for now. For that I will be grateful today and every day.

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