Thursday, April 15, 2010

Some days are better than others

Today is not one of those days.

I am tired.
I am irritable.
I am anxious.
I am emotional.

Which is ironic considering how well I was doing yesterday.

Today I woke up in a panic from an awful dream. About the amnio results. Which is annoying because I have had no doubt that they will come back fine. Until this morning. And that frustrates me.

It's just gone downhill from there.

It's exhausting to go from feeling optimistic enough to buy a little shirt for your baby in hopes that he could wear it even with cords and wires and medical devices all over his little body. If he gets that far.

And having to contemplate what happens if he doesn't get that far is even worse. Or thinking about how long he might last. I hate thinking about that. I hate it. I hate that I have read through a brochure designed by a mother who also got terrible news halfway through her pregnancy, lost her baby a few hours after birth, and now helps others facing that possibility to know what to do. I am so grateful that those people are out there, that those helps exist. But to be brutally honest, it doesn't make it any easier to face that possibility.

It's nice to have found a community online filled with others in my position, others who understand. Sometimes I feel so removed from normal life right now. Things will be plodding along as normal....daily chores, sending the kids off to school, cooking dinner, grocery shopping.....and then I see something that reminds me of where I am right now.
Waiting and wondering.

And so I try not to drown myself in my worries and my fears. I try to focus on the good things. I try to be grateful that I have a belly now-in case I don't for as long as I'd like to. I pull out the ultrasound pictures and gaze at his little face. I plead with my baby boy to move so I can feel him and know that right this second he is alive and well.

And when all that fails, I remind myself that it's ok to have hard days, to work through them when they come, and know that there are good days too-more good than bad. And then I try to at least not cry in front of my kids.

1 comment: