The point at which my butt expands rapidly

In addition to my lovely emotional outburst yesterday, I had another "burst".

Involving my backside.

And hips and thighs.

in a big way.

Two weeks ago I wore a cute little black and white skirt. I finally took the time to make myself a black wrap shirt this week, and was thinking how cute it'd look with said black and white skirt.

So as I got dressed for church on Sunday morning I anxiously plucked the skirt out of my closet, thankful that I still had a little time left in it before it had to be tucked away.

Or so I thought.

This skirt was a splurge at White House Black Market a couple of years ago. I was thrilled with the number on the tag, and even more at the fact that it was a little lose when I bought it. It is a happy piece of clothing.

So the fact that I could still wear it at 6 months pregnant was just uber thrilling! Hear my heart pitter patter.

I pulled it up.

I noticed it was getting a little snug around the back, but not too bad.

I zipped it up.

Er, make that, I tried to zip it up.

Halfway exactly.

Half.

Way.

And that's all she wrote.

Yes, the beloved skirt that zipped all the way up just two short weeks ago would now not even zip beyond halfway.

Clinging to some last shred of hope I thought that maybe I could still pull it off since the shirt I made literally wraps around me a handful of times, and would easily covered the unzipped portion at the top of the skirt.

So I looked in the mirror.

And turned around.

All I could think was Steel Magnolias.

"Looks like two pigs fightin' under a blanket."

WAY too accurate.

And so, it is with heavy heart, that my cute little black and white skirt has been shelved.

And I realized that the jeans I just washed don't exactly fit.

And neither does that pair of capris.

Wow. I am thinking maybe instead of measuring my belly every week that I should be measuring my butt every week.

I inarguably carry most of my pregnancy weight there each and every time. It's just the way things go for me. But never have I remembered such an unbelievably rapid growth in my lower half/back side.

"So hips/butt/thighs-what do you want to do tonight?"

"Try to take over the world!!"

Off to a good start.

One day I'll get control of these emotions again

Anyone who has been pregnant or spent more than 30 seconds around a pregnant woman knows that pregnant emotions are unpredictable. And unfortunately sometimes uncontrolable. Just when you think you're fine, the water works start again.

Ugh.

A pregnant woman can go from laughing to crying in roughly 1.36 seconds.

And vice versa.

Sometimes without provocation.

It's interesting.

I was talking with a friend of mine on Sunday in between church meetings. His wife is due just two weeks after me. They are expecting twins. Back in the beginning of our pregnancies we joked about who would go first, since the average pregnancy with twins tends to be about 36 weeks and most of my babies have come around 38 weeks. We wondered who would "win" and give birth first.

I told her I was happy to let her have that one.

And so it was that I was discussing with this friend my pregnancy and his wife's pregnancy as we sat in the foyer at church. He mentioned that their dr keeps talking about delivery around 35-36 weeks.

I tried to keep things light and mentioned that I hoped she was pregnant long enough to avoid having babies in the NICU, and how much I'd love for her to "win" that whole 'who delivers first' thing that we'd talked about. Especially if she makes it to 36 weeks.

He asked why?

I told him because if she made it to 36 weeks and I was still pregnant, that would mean I had made it to 38 weeks still pregnant.

He asked if that wasn't happening now. Hadn't things looked good at our last ultrasound?

Well, the last one he heard about yeah.

Not our last one.

And then I lost it.

I felt so stupid sitting there totally unable to control the water works. Trying to gain my composure enough to explain that at our last appointment we had begun laying preliminary plans for delivery. We had theorized on when that might have to happen. And how much it sucked to even be having to think about that at 26 weeks.

I was able to choke out "we had to start talking delivery plans. Our next few appointments will be to help establish a growth curve of his head size and whether or not we need to get him out sooner rather than later." Followed up with "It's just so early to have to think about that...."

Great. Bonus points to the preggo emotional chick for not only being awkward, but making said friend feel super awkward. Along with the other friend who happened to be standing there for this conversation. Good going.

As I apologized profusely for my lack of emotional control and sucked it up enough to explain the latest, I felt so awful. Awful for making him feel bad, awful for not having better control, awful for having to say it out loud again, making it all the more real.

As I was explaining everything going on to someone else a couple of weeks ago she asked "So, have you just explained it so many times now that it's easy to say? It doesn't make you emotional anymore?" Well, at that point, pretty much. I'd get teary occasionally depending on who I was talking to and how I was doing that day, but usually I was fine.

I am such a control freak that I dislike that this latest development has thrown me for a loop and altered my ability to do that still.

So if you happen to be talking to me and I just randomly lose it, go ahead and chalk it up to the pregnancy. Or lack of M&Ms consumed within 24 hours. They help with emotional stability. Did you know that? Not with the thigh spread, but hey, you can't win them all. And yes, I gladly take donations.

Living on a yo-yo sucks

So the official transfer has begun.

A new hospital, and new perinatologist. Just one specifically even though there is a full team of them there. It will be nice to be have just one specialist taking over my care. Almost like a normal pregnancy. Except for that one specialist is also assisted by an MA and Midwife that I will also see at each appointment for the routine stuff while the peri worries about the big stuff and the technical stuff. It will be nice to have one specific specialist following my care though. Though all the perinatologists we've met over the past....what's it been? only 8-9 weeks? seems like an eternity...have been wonderful, it will be nice to have a constant.

Our new peri really is great, thank goodness. She had some big shoes to fill after everything Dr H (who was the wonderful peri we saw last week) spoke so highly of her. She is very personable, seems very knowledgeable, and the others we saw before her on Thursday morning spoke very highly of her as well. As a bonus, she was a happy person (ever notice how a relatively high number of drs are just very serious? Not willing to be jovial? bugs me). She also happens to be a native Texan and didn't skip a beat when Aaron (half)jokingly asked, "So, Texas huh? What do you carry?" The woman rattled off a preference without skipping a beat! ha! She also didn't look at him weirdly for asking. Bonus points.

Anyway-

Last Thursday as we did the full care transfer and started getting acquainted with the staff the will now be over our care, and the hospital we will now be delivering at (hospital #4 since this pregnancy began, just in case you were curious), we saw a sonographer (with 20+yrs experience), a Dr of Radiology (who teaches specialties internationally), the MA, the Midwife, the Perinatologist, and a member of the Neonatology team. Needless to say it was a long appointment.

We started with the sonographer who was wonderful. I hear all these stories from people about how their ultrasound was bitter sweet because the person running the machine was awful. I'm so glad I haven't run into that. And I hope we end up with Jo doing more of our ultrasound work in the coming weeks (hopefully months). She was a gem! At one point as we were looking over everything she asked "Have you chosen a name?" I replied, "Yep, his name is Samuel." She paused for a moment and said "Sandal?" I corrected her and pronounced more clearly "Sam-u-el". She started laughing so hard she had to stop the scan! It was great. :) She turned and said, "Now you have to admit that I handled that well! I didn't even flinch or balk. And some of the names I hear....Wow." This then led to a slew of bad jokes about what our other kids names are, and that if we could have one more shot at things we could have twins named Flip and Flop. She was a riot.

But of course we all had to snap back to reality, and as she was concerned about some of the shots she couldn't get, she pulled Dr W (the radiologist) in with us to see what she could find.

Unfortunately things weren't quite so light hearted after that.

We were so very very thrilled last week when after three weeks Sam's ventricles were mostly stable and had only grown a slight bit. After just a six day time span from that last ultrasound until this one, we expected to see roughly the same. But as a reminder that this is truly a day by day, week by week process, We didn't see what we hoped. We were thrilled when his smaller vent measured just under 21mm (less than last time!), our hearts sank when we saw that his other vent was measuring just over 30mm. That is nearly a 50% increase over a period of a week for that side. Obviously that's not great news.

It also appears as though there is some fusing going on between his frontal lobes. I think I have mentioned in the past that we couldn't see the midline division between the two hemispheres of his brain at certain levels. We assumed it was because of the fluid concentration since we could see it both below and above where the fluid was the greatest. We couldn't find it this time.

This then led to a discussion (again) of the amnio results, and reemphasis that they did indeed come back clean, with no indication of a trisomy or major genetic disorder. This seemed to be a bit concerning, and it seems as though there is a bit of wonder as to why we may be seeing this. Typically when brain fusion is present it is indicative of something called Holoprosencephaly (HPE). The good news is that this has been ruled out with the clean amnio. Also this usually comes with some very obvious facial deformities, and we have seen over and over our little boy's sweet perfect face; his eyes, nose and lips are all perfectly formed and we have seen them with great clarity. So what it is that may be causing this? We have no idea at this point. Nice huh?

The only way to really get a better look at this is through MRI where each layer of brain tissue can be looked at in depth. We have chosen to stick with the original timing that was discussed for the MRI ( about 30wks), so we will be doing that in 3 or 4 weeks. Until then the only things we can really watch will be the growth of his head circumference and ventricles. After the MRI we will start the consults with Pediatric neurosurgery-assuming that we are in a situation where it will be a feasible and worthwhile option after we have some more information on what's going on inside his head.

It was really kind of hard to start talking about delivery plans and timing and just what all may be coming up in the next few weeks. Obviously we hope for a couple of months, but we will have more frequent ultrasounds now to see if we can get a good idea of the growth curve that his head is following so that we can accurately plan for a reasonable delivery time. We are still hoping to be able to avoid a surgical delivery, but of course there are a number of factors playing into that as we go over things each week.

It just seems too soon to be having to start planning for all of this.

It's difficult to go from such a high to yet another low. It's like living on a yo-yo. We're down, we're back up, we're back down again, and up. Then it comes time for the down again, so hopefully our appointment in a week and a half will be not another down, but another up. Or at least keep us spinning on the same level without another drop.

We're certainly learning to practice some patience as we go one or two weeks at a time waiting for the next dose of information. Someone asked this weekend "So do you feel like it just keeps knocking you down, or are you sitting at a point where you can say 'ok, bring it on!' as you go to each appointment?" While I'd love to say I was confident and strong enough that I feel like I can handle whatever it is that's heading our way.....I'm just not there most days. There are days when I feel like I'm handling things well, but others-like last Thursday-where I just beg the heavens for the strength to be able to make it through each piece of this puzzle that comes our way. It's hard to feel so optimistic about things to then be left wondering again.

And then we're exactly where we were when this entire things started. Placing our faith and trust in the only option that will carry us through, hoping for the best, but trusting that "the best" might not necessarily be what we have in mind, and praying that we will still be willing-and able-to accept that.

Pregnant woman running the sequel: Awkward and slow

I am still fighting to run.

Yesterday, I didn't exactly conquer.

I had signed up for another virtual race. A 10K this time.

After last week's stellar 10K, I was really looking forward to this!

And then yesterday morning dawned.

Well, it kind of dawned. The sun didn't exactly show up because it was horribly cloudy. And rainy. Pouring. And cold. COLD! There was snow on the hills just a couple of miles from our house. Yep, end of May and snow. Nice.

I decided to roll over and get a little more sleep.

Thankfully the rain also decided to take a break and was gone when I got up an hour later.

But it was still cold.

Like layers and gloves to run cold.

But enough about the weather.

There comes a point in pregnancy where you wake up one morning and everything just feels different. It's like everything has shifted. You have to hoist yourself up out of bed and you wonder who swapped your body out for this one you woke up in and why they would do such a thing. It takes a minute for your legs to adjust, you waddle/hobble to the bathroom because you are sure you will explode if you don't make it there in record time, and as you hurry yourself in there to avoid a puddle your legs laugh at you because some nasty nerve has decided that they shouldn't work as normal either.

It's fun.

But this weekend the mental beat the physical, so out the door I went.

I've been getting some leg pain, especially in my shins during my runs for the past few weeks, so I finally sucked it up and got some new running shoes. Granted I was a few hundred miles over due anyway and should probably be nicer to my feet and legs under normal circumstances. My pregnant legs were begging me for a little help, so I finally obliged.

And since I'm a cheapo, I was not about to let the new investment in footwear take a backseat on the first Saturday in my possession because of low temps and pregnancy aches. These shoes will be used to full capacity darn it!

I hit my normal 2 mile wall, but today, I just couldn't push past it. It didn't help that my ipod died just past mile 2. Great.

Now my only accompaniment was my plodding steps, my popping hip, and gasping breaths.

Not exactly the same motivation as a good beat and distracting lyrics.

I ended up taking a couple of walk breaks on the way to the turn around.

I just couldn't find my groove.

But I still faked a smile for a finish pic.

And Sam likes the ride so he was smiling too.

(You'll just have to take my word for it)

And the new lovely ritual of rest, hydrate, rest, eat something NOW while hydrating and resting. You know, just to make sure everything is ok in there. And wait for Sam's victory dance to make sure he's still happy in there.

My husband had to head out to a study group before I got home and he passed me as I was on my run back in.

After he returned from his studying we had the following conversation:

"So....how was your run today?"

"It sucked rocks."

"Really? I'm sorry. Why's that?"

"My ipod died. My legs hurt. My hips felt off. My bladder hated me, even with two bathroom stops. And it was cold. And I couldn't run the whole thing. I had to take a walk break. A WALK break!!!"

"Hmm."

"But I made it the full 6 and change miles. Even if I was exponentially slower than I wanted. I just felt awkward running today."

He then chuckled a little. Of course I asked for elaboration.

He was then kind enough to give me a demonstration of what I looked like as he passed me when I was running home. I was about 4-5miles in to my "run" when he passed me.

His demo was hilarious. And sad. And from what I felt like when I was running, frighteningly accurate as to what I'm guessing I looked like.

Awkward and slow.

But still plodding along. I may have to have him come out and tape me on one of these runs so that I can have some comic relief when I need it.

And the stubborn in me will keep on keepin' on until I'm down to the weird pregnant waddle/hobble/fast walk. At which point it will probably even more amusing to watch.

26 weeks

I am so glad to be pregnant for one more week.

I feel like I am starting to press my luck here. I have made it to the end of my second trimester. About to embark on the third. I have a belly that grows by the day, filled with a beautifully active and strong little boy.

It is still so hard some days to think that there is something wrong in there. By all accounts other than the technological peeks inside me, things are picture perfect.

Ok, well, truthfully in a "perfect" world I wouldn't still be randomly fighting morning sickness, and my veins wouldn't be quite so prominent (nor would my thighs and butt), but considering the many other things found in the grab bag of pregnancy, I'll gladly take my lot.

28 weeks has been a magic number for me since this all started being a "how long will this last" kind of situation. And now it's only two weeks away. That both terrifies me and thrills me. So glad to have made it this far, continually praying that I-no, that WE will make it further than any of us ever thought.

And somehow I neglected to take a picture this week. No giant ballooning growth though, so just look at last week, and next week, and conjure up something in between!

Run Like a Mother

Obviously running is a release for me. A physical, mental and emotional way to just let it all go so I can keep on going. Some days I'm fine without it, some days lately skipping a run is a welcome break. But some days I feel like I'm going to just burst at the seams if I don't get out.

There's a book that caught my attention that was released recently. It's called Run Like a Mother. Though the title makes me giggle, it was the idea behind the book that really struck me. Two women-moms-put together their thoughts on running, their experiences, their ups their downs.....and then added to it the input of dozens of other running moms. Genius.

I am blessed to have a couple of runner mom friends who understand the addiction. They understand my drive to (try to) keep running for now, and the withdrawal on the days when it just doesn't work.

This book was like a long conversation with them.

It is amazing motivation, and great comfort on those days when I just didn't get out, or I did get out but really wondered why I even bothered as I hobbled home after a pitiful few miles.

Within the first two pages of this book I was hooked. And within the first two pages, they hit the nail right on the head; "It's the truth: For an overstressed, overtired, overextended mother, there are few other sensations that rival a delicious run. Once the sweat starts running down my temples, I daydream, analyze, smile, wonder, channel something cosmic. I feel alive and, perhaps most importantly, like myself again."

And so the fight of mental and emotional continues against the physical.

Some days I feel like I'm running away. Some days it seems like if I can just run a little faster and a little further, I can leave all of my fear and stress and reality behind.

And yet on some days it feels like when I run it will all be ok. My mind clears, my heart finds peace. Instead of running away from things, it feels like I'm running to the clarity that I seek.

My body does exactly what it was made to do, which gives me hope that as the coming weeks pass it will be willing to do the same in regards to this pregnancy.

The Saturday 10K-A Victory Lap

I'm calling it last week's victory lap.

Because it was a week of victories.

*We all survived. Trust me, some weeks that is a victory.

*One week closer to summer vacation. Hallelujah. Can't come fast enough!

*One week closer to Aaron finishing this quarter of his schooling. The last week of June will be heaven. (he gets a week of before the next quarter starts)

*I am still pregnant. (woo-hoo!)

*The house was clean. At one point. For a little while. I promise.

*It was sunny and warm! Not my doing, but a victory lately none the less.

*I finally painted the bathroom!

*I'm sure there are more things I'm forgetting. Pregnant brain and all.

*and most importantly-all that good stuff at our Perinatology appointment and ultrasound last Friday. If somehow you missed that, scroll down just a tad. Plus new hospital, new specialist, and uber on top of it people-the "we'll contact you within a few days to get you in within a week or two" turned into a phone call 4 hours later an appointment on Thursday at 8am! Wow!

So really, a good run was the perfect cap on the week.

Saturday was beyond beautiful-a perfect running morning. Though I am getting a little slower every week (sometimes it seems every day), the fact that I can still go the distance thrills me to death. I am learning to listen to my body in a different way; Last year it was hearing the "this hurts, stop!!" and pushing through it. And then pushing further and harder. This year it's been a big challenge to get those "this hurts!" signals from my body and figure out if it's just getting to that point of the good ache or if it's really hurting and I really need to slow down or stop. I think I'm finally figuring it out.

I guess the fact that I end up laughing out loud when I finally heard the line "I was forced with remorse to learn the bassoon" in one of the songs on my playlist when I have five miles under my belt is a good indicator that I've found the balance.

Finishing with a smile on my face, a focus on distance instead of time (I'm over an hour for a 10K now though-oy...ok, so mostly focusing on distance and lesson time...), and feeling good the rest of the day instead of dead (which can be a challenge during pregnancy without the running) is even better news.

Definitely a victory lap.

Looking forward to this weekend's virtual 10K, and hopefully another the weekend after that. Unless I can find a decent Memorial Day race that doesn't have a steep entry fee.

A local city celebration 5K is the first weekend in June, I'm wondering if my body will still be willing to pull off a 30 minute finish in another two weeks. Hoping so. If no, I'm proud of my mind for letting a 30minute finish be an ok thing.